I have faced a lot of trauma and abuse from my mom growing up and even til now. I am learning to understand the behaviors of a bipolar and narcissistic parent that ultimately paved the direction of my life that took me almost to my adult years to fully blossom into my personality.
As much as I try to sympathize and empathize with what she has gone through in the past, I have to remember that it is not my cross to bear. I know that she is what made me who I am today. It is still not my burden to carry. I have to continue to surround myself with those who love and support me.
What I am realizing is that I have to face my fears and learn to let go of what I can’t control and be happy for myself. Here are the top 4 things I have to remind myself to do and come to terms with:
That it is not my fault.
I realized it is important to learn at a deep level that the problem lies with the toxic parents. Those who grew up with narcissistic parents were unfortunate to be born to such people but we have to realize it is not our fault. Narcissistic parents are selfish and no matter what will place blame on us with everything, and will make situations about them and only them!
Narcissistic parents don’t change.
Narcissistic personality disorder is for life. Narcissists don’t change easily, even with prolonged treatment. It is very rare for these type of people to change. Look at me for an example. Life has not changed much for me and I am close to 40, my mother still treats me like I am 15. We have to realize that nothing we do will change them, nor will they change on their own. Part of the process requires a huge emotional upset and they won’t face that on their own. Or even come to terms that they are wrong in their thinking.
I’ve lost my childhood
Narcissistic parents take away your childhood. I was physical, emotionally and mentally abused by my mom. I had responsibilities most children my age did not have or what most adults did not have, due to that fact of my mom’s mental illness. Often, she has cursed, called me names and disowned me for the nth time. Some days I think it will get better, but it won’t. It’s scary that sometimes I am fearful of my mom, and that is the behavior that narcissists create in their children. We must learn to break free and realize we can not please toxic parents and have to live our life in peace and happiness the best way we can. I know this is easier said than done as I deal with this every day of my life. Wishing I could make her proud but nothing I do will ever be good enough. It took me a very long time to become the person I am today. My childhood was deeply affected by growing up with a toxic, narcissistic bipolar parent.
What I gained
I gained strength in what I have gone through as a child that later affected the decisions I made in my life. I used my past to help educate others and to help others who suffer. I dedicate my life to providing service, even working as a nurse I try my best to give back and help others. For some reason, my experience has caused me to become ten times kinder and all I want to do is save the world. I don’t want others to suffer as I did, and I love my children as much as I wanted love from my mother. I have to accept it and know that I am who I am today because of it. To do that, I must learn to love myself.